To Be Loved
by LiLAqUaMaRiE
Summary: Natalia believes she truly lost everything she held dear, she was wrong. Part Two added! [WIP]
1. Chapter 1

**Title:** To Be Loved  
**Author:** LiLAqUaMaRiE  
**Fandom:** CSI: Miami  
**Pairings/Characters:** Natalia Boa Vista/Ryan Wolfe  
**Rating:** PG-13/K+  
**Warnings:** Drama, angst.  
**Word Count:** 1,579  
**Summary:** Natalia believes she truly lost everything she held dear, she was wrong.  
**Note:** If by any chance the characters seem out of character, excuse me. I'm still not to familiar with how their characters are like much – I'm still new to the fandom.

_Walk the line  
I'll walk inside you  
Change your mind  
Let your love decide you  
It's the reason I know  
You'll never let me go_

- Lose Your Way - Sophie B. Hawkins

**Part One - Ryan**

Natalia Boa Vista sighed to herself for the millionth time that day. She glanced up from where she sat on a bench in a park not far from CSI labs, watching people around her doing their own thing - while she was alone.

The park was beautiful this time of year; flowers bloomed everywhere, the trees flourished, the weather was calm and gentle - neither windy nor hot. People walked around the park, enjoying it, having a good time - being happy.

Everyone, everyone but her.

Natalia knew she fucked up. She really knew that – understood that even. But couldn't she right the wrongs she's done? She understands that what she did was wrong, she understands that she lost everyone she consider her friends – family; knows that they aren't going to trust her anymore nor want to have anything to do with her unless completely necessary. She even understands she is going to have to face the punishment they were giving her – to accept the fact that she will be shunned.

But it doesn't mean she can handle it.

The only people at the labs that were acting civil to her the most they could were Horatio and Alexx, but that did not mean she didn't notice the shake of their heads when they stare at her, or the disappointment in their eyes. She doesn't know which was worse, the fact that the others were completely ignoring her or the disappointed she saw in H's and Alexx eyes.

Natalia closed her eyes as she wrapped her arms around her lower torso, hugging herself as if her life depended on it. She just wanted to make something out of herself, but she needed the money – she didn't want to betray her friends, the labs but that was the only thing the Fed's requested from her…information.

She chewed on her bottom lip as she was lost in thought. She wasn't some evil snake woman; she just fucked up – made a mistake, but people treated her now as if what she did was a horrible crime. No one wanted to listen to what she wanted to say, no one cared if she sent only good information to the Feds. She was the mole which meant she was bad. It was simple as that.

No matter how many times she repeated "I've never meant to harm anyone in anyway" no one would ever believe her – especially not Ryan Wolfe.

Natalia closed her eyes as she recalled the hatred she saw in his eyes as he would glance her way. Seeing that anger, she could almost feel it with her hands - she so badly wanted to rid him of that hate, that pain. He was a good man, a gentle man. She saw that personally when they spent their first and only night together. He shouldn't hold that anger deep within himself – it wasn't good for him.

She allowed a small sad smile to form upon her lips as she glanced up to see a couple walking by holding hands. To this day, she can still remembers the touch of Ryan's hand upon hers, the way his touches would make her shiver and melt at the same time.

Natalia shook her head. She would never tell Ryan, how important he started to be to her. Ever since her problem with Eric – he's been there, even when at first she was just using him. He somehow found his way to slowly sneak his way into her heart. Unfortunately, she was rather late in realizing her new sets of feelings – she lost Ryan before she ever truly had him to begin with.

"Damn it Ryan!" Natalia spoke to herself as a silent tear rolled freely from one of her eyes. "Why can't you see how much I love you?" She took in a deep breath trying to calm her nerves as she was lost deep in thought, not noticing the approaching figure from behind.

"Do you really mean that?"

The sound of a new voice that was close and from behind her startled her, making her jump away from the bench as quickly as possible. What she saw made her tense up from head to toe.

Natalia opened her mouth and closed it; she repeated this once more before starting to stutter. "R- Ry- Ryan?"

Ryan Wolfe just stared at her with a blank expression; his face held no reaction to her as he spoke once more.

"Do you really mean that?" He asked again.

Natalia stared at him confused and in shock at the same time. She couldn't believe he was standing in front of her and talking to her – willingly. Was she dreaming? She must be dreaming. Natalia lifted one of her arms up and with her other free hand she pinched the arm she lifted up. She pinched hard which resulted in her yelping slightly in pain and glanced back in front of her to see that Ryan was still in fact there.

Natalia decided she had to pinch herself harder, which resulted in more pain.

Ryan blank expression changed slightly to one of a raised eyebrow as he tilted his head to the side, "Is there a point to pinching yourself?"

Natalia glanced at him with confused stare as she rubbed her abused arm. "You mean you're really are here?"

Ryan blinked at her a bit confused before nodding slowly. "Yes, it would seem that I am."

Natalia just nodded in reply. "Oh." Then realization dawned on her, Ryan – Ryan Wolfe – the man who supposedly hated her was standing in front of her in a calm nature. What the hell? "Um…hi."

Ryan just snorted softly before asking the question he was asking all along. "Do you really mean that?"

Natalia responded with a blank look. "Um, I'm not quite sure I'm following –"

"Do you love me?"

"Oh." Her eyes widen slightly. "That."

Silence.

"So for the possibly fourth time now, do you really mean that?"

Natalia was truly nervous now; she didn't know how to respond. She never expected for anyone let alone Ryan to hear her words. She thought she was alone, she was wrong. "Ah. Um..." Silence reigned once more. "What would…you know…ah."

Ryan just stared her with a serious look. "It's a simple yes or no answer."

Natalia did the first thing to come to mind, she decided to turn away from Ryan and run far away as she could but as she was turning around a hand stretched out and grabbed one of her arms. She froze and glanced down at the strong hand that held her arm in a strong but firm grip. "Yes or no?"

Natalia eyes turn serious now. She wasn't going to allow him to make fun of her for the nature of her feelings; there were something's she can handle but if that's what he trying to do – that she wouldn't stand for."

"What's it to you?"

"Depends on your answer."

She blinked as she stared at him. She wasn't expecting that type of response. "Can you kindly let go, I have things to get back to, ya know like – work?" She tried to pull her arm away, but the grip was firm. It was clear to her that she wasn't going anywhere.

"Yes or no?"

She sighed to herself in resignation; she closed her eyes for the moment as she tried to calm her wary nerves, before reopening her eyes to stare at his. "Yes."

What she was expecting was a laugh, a mock – something hurtful. What she got, well it easy to say, she wasn't expecting. Ryan had stared at her for a span of two seconds after she gave him her answer before crushing his mouth onto hers.

To say Natalia was surprised would be an understatement. She froze still. Ryan was kissing her – hard. He was kissing her. She couldn't believe what was happening. He was kissing her? Slowly as the concept of the kissing sunk into her brain, she found herself returning the heated kiss which after a few moments took a turn from a hard heated crushing kiss to a calmer, gentle serene one. Throughout the moment of the kiss, Ryan had managed to release her from his grip to only have his hand end up tangled up in her hair.

They both were gasping slightly for the needed air as the broke apart. Ryan gently laid his forehead against hers as he closed his eyes; she on the other hand kept hers open – dazed at what just had happened. Silence emerged for a few seconds, only the sounds of breathing could be heard.

"It hurt."

Natalia blinked lifting her face to stare at him, as Ryan continued. "What you did, I – I…" He paused to gather his thoughts. "You used me." A small tear escaped his eyes, she felt like crap as she watched him open up his heart to her.

Natalia lifted a hand up to his face, using her thumb to brush away the fallen tear. "I'm sorry." She spoke softly to him as she allowed her finger to caress his cheek slightly. "I'm truly sorry for my wrongs Ryan."

She attempted to pull her hand back, away - feeling ashamed for the pain she caused him. "I'm so sorry for hurting you." But Ryan managed to grab her hand before she completely pulled it away. He lifted it back towards his face – his lips. He tenderly placed a kiss upon her palm before nodding slowly as he stared at her. "I know 'Lia. Now, I know."

**_Part One - Fin._**


	2. Chapter 2

**Title:** To Be Loved  
**Author:** LiLAqUaMaRiE  
**Fandom:** CSI: Miami  
**Pairings/Characters:** Natalia Boa Vista, Horatio Caine  
**Rating:** PG-13/K+  
**Warnings:** Drama, angst.  
**Word Count:** 1,057  
**Summary:** Natalia believes she truly lost everything she held dear, she was wrong.  
**Note:** Okay, so I decided to make this longer, due someone requesting it and due to the fact that I got hit by a plot bunny so here goes.

_Turning the key, unlocking the door  
Embracing the rollercoaster world  
Take it in stride; you're just twenty-five  
And you know we're all been hurt before  
So you're not alone…no…  
You're not alone…_  
- Hurt Before – The Corrs

**Part Two - Horatio**

CSI Natalia Boa Vista was walking down an empty hallway on her way to her lab. She was lost in thought. She couldn't believe Ryan forgave her for her mistakes. A smile spread across her lips at the mere memory of Ryan's smiling face staring at her. She wanted to shout out in joy - she never thought she could feel so happy inside.

As she was smiling, she glanced up to the nearby windows that were on one side of the empty hallway. She glanced outside the windows; it was a beautiful bright sunny day. It gave the dark hallways an ethereal glow. She was about to continue walking when her eyes spotted a figure standing by one of the windows looking outward.

Her eyes widened slightly, before falling to the ground before her. Her smile fell to a frown and the joy she felt, turned to nervousness. She swallowed hard. Her mind screamed for her to just to turn the other way around and head back where she came from.

Natalia almost did turn around but a small part of her mind stopped her. If she wanted things to get fixed between her and the people she cared about, she was going to have to do her part in the fixing.

Sighing in resignation, she took slow deliberate steps toward the figure; trying to calm herself as she did so. But as she did, she couldn't help but think that out of all the people she could have come across, did it have to be him in particular?

She managed to reach him, standing next to him as he continued to stare out the window. She glanced at his face; it had a forlorn look upon it. She remembered the problems he had to deal with these past few days, weeks even. She wanted to comfort him but at the same time she did not know what to do or how to react. She bit her lip, confused.

"Natalia."

She broke from her thoughts to glance at the man who had his head tilted towards her direction, looking at her with a blank stare.

"Horatio..."

Horatio Caine nodded to her in greeting before turning to look back out the window. Silence reigned over the two. The quietness was slowly starting to get on Natalia's nerves as she stood near him; she was feeling like a fool by just standing there doing nothing. "So, um….how are you?" She tried to make a little friendly conversation.

Without turning to look at her, he replied. "I've seen better days."

Natalia raised both of her eyebrows slightly for a moment. _'Well there goes my conversation down the drain.'_ She thought to herself as silence reigned once more. For a little while she tried staring at other places besides Horatio, completely nervous as to what to say – but the silence was really getting on her nerves as well. "I-I heard about…well you know, Marisol and your brother." She blurted out in a rush, before realizing what she just said. She opened her mouth, trying to fix it. "I mean…" She shook her head, "What I'm trying to say is–" Natalia stopped. _'This is so not turning out as well as I wanted it to go.' _She thought to herself before closing her eyes trying to calm herself as she spoke. "I – I'm just sorry."

"I know."

She opened her eyes to see Horatio looking at her this time. His lips turned up into a small lopsided smile. "I know you do. Thank you."

"I..." Natalia was in shock; there was no other word to describe it. "I'm really sorry I couldn't come and…and say this before. B-but..." she took a deep breath, "but everything with the Feds and stuff, I-"

Horatio moved away from the windows and walked closer to her; he lifted a hand and placed it upon Natalia shoulder. "Relax."

She nodded silently and did as she was told. Horatio removed his hand from her shoulder and glanced down at the ground below. Natalia just stared at him once more in shock as he continued to speak, "What you did was wrong."

Natalia merely nodded afraid, to speak as she was getting reprimanded by the man she saw in some ways as the dad she never had.

"There's no excuse."

Her eyes started to slowly glisten with tears, she was not going to look away she told herself mentally. She was going to take whatever punishment H felt she deserved.

"But you had your reasons."

She blinked back her tears surprised, though one escaped. Horatio lifted his face to stare at her. "We all have our reason for doing things Natalia. You just have to learn from your mistakes."

She swallowed. "But I...I didn't mean-"

"I know."

She stared at him as he lifted a hand and dug out a handkerchief from one of his suit jacket pockets, handing it to her. "No more tears." He instructed her. "You're a CSI, remember that."

She nodded.

"No matter what, you're one of us. Understood?"

She nodded once more but he just stared at her; she blinked for a few moments before realizing what he wanted. "Understood."

A wider smile formed on H's lips this time, "Good." He brought out his shades from his jacket, holding them within his hands for a few moments before turning to walk away from Natalia. As he marched a few steps away down the hallway in direction she first came from, he stopped, turning around to face her. "Natalia?"

She turned around to glance at him at hearing her name being called out.

"If the Feds come to you again..."

She stared, confused.

"Let me know."

She nodded as he placed his shades upon his face this time turning around to leave, but not before turning his face to the side, "They can mess with me, but not with my family."

Horatio started to walk away, leaving a shocked as hell Natalia behind to watch him as he goes.

She stood there where she was, staring at the now empty space before her. A smile slowly formed on her face, "Family." She let out a small laugh, "Family." She turned around – heading once more to the place she was heading earlier, to her labs. This time she had a bounce in her steps.

**_Part Two - Fin._**


End file.
